On Trying to Be a Better For Her

Like many moms to be I want to be the best mom I can be to my daughter to be. I want her to be able to look up to me as a role model—as a thriving writer and artist—as someone who pursued and continues to pursue being creative because that is who I am to the core.

 This is complicated in a weird way. I was so chronically ill for years that my career fell behind. I often feel like I lost about ten years of my life. I’m playing catch up. And yet, it’s kind of hard to catch up with a baby on the way.

I feel the weight of financial stress—of trying to prep for baby, of trying to save up money for all the impending medical expenses, of trying to save up for a wedding too. There’s that nagging If Only, If Only, If Only . . .

If only I had figured out a stay at home career in my twenties that could’ve supported myself. If only I had even been well enough to begin with. If only I had researched biochemistry earlier to figure out my genetic issues.

 I know. I can only live for the present and hopeful for the future. I can’t dwell on the past. But as a memoirist finishing up a book, I had pretty much forgiven myself for all of these things—for not being “good enough” because I was so sick—for not being as successful as I could’ve been.

 But now with the baby on the way, call it the hormones or whatever, but those feelings are coming back up. Doesn’t everyone re-assess their lives when a baby is on the way? And how do you reconcile that with a life of chronic illness?